Unlike most twenty-something singles I am not ashamed to admit that I’m on Tinder. And, just to clarify, by ‘on Tinder’, I don’t mean that I spend my evenings frantically swiping through the ‘eligible’ bachelors of my local area, wistfully hoping that one will catch my eye. All the same, I am partial to a right swipe upon occasion, usually when I’m in bed or when I get a bit tipsy – and I can definitely confirm that the latter is without a doubt the more amusing scenario.
Sure, we all hope that our Prince Charming isn’t going to be found on a glorified ‘dating site’. But, regardless, I think Tinder’s pretty good fun. It’s like a game, it indulges that shallow part of you that you don’t really want to admit that you have and, at the end of the day, you don’t even have to talk to them. Still not jumped on the Tinder bandwagon? Here’s what’s in store if you do.
1. You will agonise over your profile photos and bio, even if you try to hide it – I don’t care if you try to tell me that your brand new selfie wasn’t for Tinder, or that you didn’t spend hours coming up with a sassy quip for your bio. You did. We all know it.
2. You’ll think it’s like a game at first – Seriously, this is why people stopped playing Candy Crush Saga. Who knew that left and right swiping could be SO much fun?
3. Then you will start to seriously worry about the dating pool in your area – You’ve right-swiped twice out of at least 50 guys. If this is what is left out there for us singletons, we might as well buy a cat now and be done with it.
4. You’ll realise just how shallow you are – Did you seriously just discard that guy because he could do with an eyebrow wax? So much for ‘it’s what on the inside that counts’. There’s no time for that reassuring mantra in this game, that’s for sure.
5. You’ll learn a lot about your ‘type’ – Sadly your ‘type’ probably isn’t there, and if he is, it’s probably a fake profile. But whether it’s tattoos, bad teeth, or a lack of personal grooming, it won’t take you long to figure out exactly what you DON’T want in a man. It’s kinda like going on a string of bad dates, but without the dating part.
6. You’ll spend way too long trying to identify someone from a group photo – Seriously, who uses a group photo for their profile picture. They must be ugly. That explains EVERYTHING.
7. You’ll remember all of those weird pages you liked back when you were 15 – Yeah, so those ‘That awkward moment…’ pages probably won’t be so awkward in the cold light of day. In fact, what is awkward is the fact that you have liked ‘The Twilight Saga’, ‘Justin Bieber’ and a hoard of other embarrassing pages on Facebook.
8. You’ll accidentally left-swipe a complete BABE and regret it for hours – Did you really just left-swipe that drop dead gorgeous, 25 year old medical student? What were you thinking? Maybe he was The One! You’ll pine for the love that could have been – it’s practically Shakespeare in the modern era – but at the end of the day, he’s long gone. Better luck next time!
9. You’ll get really excited at your first match – Oh. Em. Gee. He likes you. It’s practically high school again, and your crush has just asked to borrow your class notes. He obviously is madly in love with you, he just doesn’t know how to tell you.
10. And then you’ll obsess over why they didn’t talk to you – If they’re not going to talk, what’s even the point in having Tinder? Of course, it would be out of the question for you to start the conversation. That would look desperate. Maybe this isn’t for you after all.
11. You’ll only talk to 5% of the people you match with – In fact, 5% might even be a little generous, especially if you’re waiting for the guy to make the first move. From relentless flattery, and one liners that you know are making their way across the country, to long-winded conversations about last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, conversations know no bounds on Tinder. Just don’t be surprised if that intense, hour-long conversation doesn’t flourish into the next great romance.
12. You’ll run out of men – What do you mean there are no more matches in my area? I couldn’t possibly have exhausted the population of Northern Ireland -starts watching Bridget Jones and weeps uncontrollably at your single existence-
13. You’ll get asked for NSA… A LOT – If you’ve been hiding under a rock, that’s ‘no strings attached’, i.e. STI city. If hook-ups are for you, you’ve found your spot. If not, prepare to start unmatching everyone who could benefit from a cold shower.
14. You’ll see a guy you met on Tinder in a club – That guy at the bar. Yeah, he is the one you spoke to on Tinder. Rule of thumb? It never happened.
15. You’ll see your ex on Tinder – Wondering what would happen if you right-swiped? Would he do the same? Could this be the start of something beautiful? No. It won’t. It’s the road to no return. NEXT!
16. You’ll receive one dirty message that will make your eyes water in shock – Holy crap! He wants to what? Has he swallowed the Kama Sutra? What happened to dinner and drinks? Beware – illustrating photographs may be included if you let him add you on Snapchat or WhatsApp. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
17. You’ll meet people who met their boyfriends/girlfriends on Tinder, and wonder what you’re doing wrong – You stare at them in utter disbelief as they tell you how happy they are since they found love with the swipe of a thumb. What are you doing wrong? I have no idea, I’m still swiping…
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